So, being the film buff I am, indulge me for a moment -  I went to an Oscar Party last night. And I found myself gasping in horror at the screen  and it had nothing to do with who won or lost.  It had to do with the attitude of the two hosts.  They were more like ruthless assassins set on gunning down everyone in the room.  Their routines were chock full of malice, mean-spiritedness, and bile.  It was painful to watch.

The best host the Oscars ever had was Hugh Jackman. The man did 3 live musical numbers, for crying out loud! And managed to be funny without being crass and poked fun without being cruel.  I sure did miss him this year.  He brought in the spirit of why the performing arts are so wonderful and why millions of people love them so much. He was truly entertaining and celebratory without letting the ceremony take itself too seriously.  He  – as a gracious host – actually told guests they looked beautiful instead of calling them names – now there is a concept.  A true class act.

I went home with a bit of a thorn in my side last night. The whole thing really bothered me. I think part of it was watching people who I admire and respect for their great work get kicked in the teeth over and over again.   It seemed so pointless and empty. And, I think it bothered me because all the films and performers up this year seemed to really be interested in sharing something really valuable with the audience – things that were each moving and important and their performances were brilliant and beautiful.  I tuned in because I wanted to share in the celebration of that in a good-humored way.  That certainly didn’t end up being the case last night!

So, why is this rant in my website?  I don’t want to come off as “above it all”.  I’m not. I’ve had my moments of low self-esteem and thinking if I trashed someone else I’d feel better. It never ever worked.  I use to work at some places that were incredibly unfriendly.  There was the back-stabbing, the gossip, the malicious insults, the name-calling and the constant complaining all the time.  I never felt good, better, or like I was advancing in any good way when I joined in. And, my body would physically hurt after being around it for an extended time. When people aren’t open to looking at why they are speaking in cruel and insulting ways on a regular basis- it’s really difficult to be around.  It just sucks the life out of the room completely.   And, I grew up around some amazing people – people who consider the impact their words will have on another person before they speak.  Words are chosen carefully to land gently and to retain the dignity of whoever they are speaking to and apologize abundantly  if that failed to happen – people who were interested in living just good simple values like kindness and sensitivity. I am so glad that people modeled this for me – and that I saw how it affected people.  I remember one family member in particular who has a profound knack for generosity of spirit. One time we were at an ice cream shop and the server was being rude and caustic. I went to the rest room and when I came out, the server was sitting in the booth with the member of my family, crying her eyes out. My family member had said “It looks like you are having a really bad day. What’s the matter?”  and the server poured her heart out about breaking up with her boyfriend. My family member just quietly listened, gave her a tissue and a hug. And things like this happened all the time with her. She taught me that it really mattered if you were kind or not – that we have an impact on each other – even if we don’t even know each other’s names. Even if we are just getting an ice cream cone.

And, when I went to seminary school there was a rule of no gossip and it actually was so refreshing. If we had a problem or issue with someone, we had to deal with it directly.  We had to face our own insecurities and inner demons and had to stop taking people down just to try to appease our own fragile egos.  It was sometimes really confronting to have to be that real.  And it also created a sense of real communion and safety and we were all the better for it. It left a very deep imprint on me as well. And, I think it takes a measure of courage not to join in with a nasty crowd, to decide “I don’t care if you make fun of me for not joining in. I am not interested in this. I want real interactions. I want real, rich dialogs. I am interested in sensitivity. I know that it matters and it’s what I want to be apart of.”

I know there is the importance of having a thick-skin. I know the world isn’t all roses and fairies and Charlotte Church songs- nor would I want it to be. I could hold my own in a fight if I had to and I enjoy a juicy debate. I like being around people who don’t take things too seriously or too precious.  I understand the art of a good razzing.  But, I think our words have power. I think having a foundation of care and consideration matters.  I think the tone we set affects the people around us.  I don’t think we ever grow out of appreciating a kind word or jester.  I think no matter what position we are at in life having a little heart and soul in what we do is never out of style.  And, authenticity is always sexy.  Hearing “I am really unsure of things right now” over “that girl looks so stupid in that dress” is always incredibly attractive and will win a true heart every time.

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